I AM a Warrior

I AM a Warrior. Nobody is born a warrior. You choose to be one when you refuse to stay seated. You choose to be one when you refuse to back down. You choose to be one when you stand up after getting knocked down. Today, I am choosing to be a warrior. I need to be a warrior for myself and for my little girl. Every day I go to war. I fight a battle against who I desire to be and who the voices in my head tell me I am. The voices in my head tell me I’m not good enough. They tell me that success and happiness the way I want it are not in the cards for me. Those voices tell me I will be stuck in the same spot, fighting to get out, the rest of my life.

Nobody is born a warrior. You choose to be one when you refuse to stay seated, when you refuse to back down. #warriorClick To Tweet

I’ve been in a funk the last two weeks. No motivation. Feeling like all my work is going to waste and getting me nowhere. It’s taken everything in me just to get out of bed and put a face on most days. I’ve had no energy or inspiration to work on the things that matter most to me, because I’m too wrapped up in the battle. The problem with depression is that you know you’ll be ok, but you still feel awful. You know people love you, but it doesn’t feel like they do. You know doing something will make you feel better, but you just don’t know how to. You want to be well, but you just can’t seem to get there.

I’ve put a pause on living life. I’m literally just trying to get to the next day, living in the thought of tomorrow. Waiting. Not sad, just feeling really empty.

I've put a pause on living life. I'm literally just trying to get to the next day, living in the thought of tomorrow.Click To Tweet

“I’m fine, I’m just tired.”

How many times have you heard that as a response to “are you ok?” Sometimes people are being honest with you. Other times, it may mean, “my depression is setting in but I don’t want to bother you with it.” I’ve been that girl lately. The one who says, “I’m fine, I’m just tired.”, but really I’ve been fighting a battle these last couple weeks. I am tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of being in the same spot. And tired of feeling like I just can’t get ahead.

My past is an armor I cannot take off, no matter how many times you tell me the war is over

This feeling isn’t anything new to me. I’ve been here before. I was diagnosed with depression a few years back and I tried taking medication, but it just wasn’t the answer for me. I know it is all a mind game, and if I fight hard enough, I will overcome the demon that is my depression. My past has put some pretty damaging beliefs and expectations in my head. Those will always be there. The rest of my life will be a constant battle between the lifestyle I was raised to have and the lifestyle I deserve for myself and my daughter.

I survive because the fire inside me burns brighter than the fire around me

Having some pretty scary health issues led me to change my outlook on my depression. I was certain that I was facing the end of my time. After spending nearly a month in a coma, I decided I wasn’t playing games with my life anymore. From that day forward I have tried my best to live each day to the fullest. I know that my joy is a mindset. That I can choose to find joy in the little things. The things that I want from this life are far too grand to let some disease hold me back. My whole life I’ve been cut short and handed the rotten end of the deal. I am meant for more than that. And I refuse to let anything stand in my way.

The things that I want from this life are far too grand to let some disease hold me back. #mentalillnessClick To Tweet

I AM A WARRIOR. That is my mantra this week. I can overcome any battle I put my mind to. This is just a phase and my depression will not win.