I never really pictured myself as a mom. Mainly because I was convinced from an early age that no man was ever going to want to marry me, let alone have children with me. I also never had much of an attraction to babies and little kids, I thought they were gross and annoying.
As I grew into my young adult years I grew a sense of independence and really liked my freedom. I wasn’t tied down with a relationship. I was all about doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. The last thing on my mind was starting a family and raising children. I wanted to be a strong, independent, single woman focused on my career and traveling the world.
As a fresh 24 year old single woman, I was pregnant. I always thought that was the worst thing that could happen to me. Unexpectedly getting knocked up while I’m not in a serious relationship with anyone and have the whole world in front of me. I was terrified. I tried to deny it for awhile. Thinking if I just ignored the fact that I might be pregnant that it would just go away and I really wouldn’t be. I was wrong. It ate at me until I finally used the balls my mama gave me and took a test. By this point you already know the results.
From that moment on I knew this life was no longer about me and my dreams. I was bringing life into this world. I was about to be responsible for the well being of another human. HOLY SHIT. I was already struggling to provide for myself. So I made a plan and I worked my ass off. From the very beginning, motherhood has been about sacrifice. Gave up my friends, lost some family and picked up more hours at my second job.
The one thing I always told myself that if I ever had kids they would not have to face the life that I did. I grew up in a dysfunctional family with a woman beating, drug addict father who never showed his love for me and a mother who was always picking up the pieces and having to plan her next move. I refused to let my children grow up in a split family, questioning if her daddy loves her and scared of waiting for things to blow up again. But here I am, making decisions on whether or not to let my daughters father into her life because he only comes around when it’s convenient for him and raising my daughter in a broken family.
I’ve moved past that now. I’ve come to realize that my purpose in life is to be that little girls mommy. And that means doing whatever it takes to make sure she never goes without. That she never feels like she missed out on something because she was raised only by a mom. In hopes that she never has to feel like the lower half of society cause her mom can’t get it together enough to provide and give her a good life.
Motherhood has since become about more than just sacrifice to me. It’s about opening yourself to the biggest blessing out there. Being a mom has brought me so much joy and happiness. I feel complete as a mom and know I have purpose. My daughter is my reason to not give up. I know that little girl loves me unconditionally and that she NEEDS me. I’ve never felt needed by someone. Motherhood is about fighting the good fight no matter how hard life may seem because you’ve got a little one watching your every move, who fully believes in your potential to be the best human possible, who trusts you to provide for them and never let them down. When you look at the little monster you’ve created, the fight doesn’t seem so hard, because as long as you’ve got each other, you’ve got everything.